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Copyright 1998
[Enter ARTHUR and HARLEY]
ARTHUR: I shall bring your father, Sir.
HARLEY: Thank you Arthur.
[ARTHUR exits to The Stairwell. HARLEY reacts to the room]
HARLEY: And so today is to be the appointed day of your appearance, o slippery one. I shall not fail in your designs. [He kneels, away from the light. Silence.
Eventually, ARTHUR and MR. S. arrive. HARLEY stands as they enter]
MR. S: Thank you, Arthur. [ARTHUR exits to The Stairwell]
Well, Harley, it is a rare privilege for us to have your company.
HARLEY: I'm glad that you find it so.
MR. S: Why are you here?
HARLEY: I just felt like a change of scenery
MR. S: You don't need anything do you?
HARLEY: What on earth could I need?
MR.S: Well - you haven't come here because of any trouble have you?
HARLEY: What trouble could I get into?
MR. S: Don't ask rhetorical questions to which sensible answers could be given.
Sarcasm is the talk of the devil.
HARLEY: I'll have to remember that.
MR. S: Been keeping busy?
HARLEY: I've been keeping some interesting and involving company...
MR. S: I meant, how have you been occupying yourself?
HARLEY: I expect something important to occur in the near future.
MR. S: Would you care to elaborate?
HARLEY: You'll be aware of my doings soon enough.
MR. S: Yes, I rather feared that. [Pause] Harley, do you have any idea why I wanted
to see you?
HARLEY: For a conversation?
MR. S: I'd like to offer you a job in the company.
HARLEY: You've done that before.
MR.S: But this time it's different. I'm offering you a completely new job, in a new
place.
HARLEY: Where's that?
MR. S: Tonga.
HARLEY: Inbetween Indonesia and New Zealand?
MR. S: That's correct.
HARLEY: In what way would you consider this an outlet for my dubious talents?
MR. S: Have you seen yourself in the looking glass, son? London is killing you.
HARLEY: But what a way to die. I was looking in a mirror when you called for me, actually.
MR. S: And what did you see?
HARLEY: A flame caught between two reflections. And in the flame, a world further away and more enticing than Tonga.
MR. S: You see Harley, this is the kind of behaviour that everyone has come to expect from you lately. Arrogant, opaque, and quite frankly - seedy.
HARLEY: That's a fair appraisal. But why Tonga? Why not Canada or the Shetland Islands or somewhere more wholesome?
MR. S: The company has never sailed to Tonga before. It would be a new start for you.
HARLEY: I don't think that you feel I can be trusted with men anymore. Don't you think that I'd sink further in the company of your south sea savages?
MR. S: A character with your feel for the exotic might make genuine contact and
friendship with such people.
HARLEY: Dozens of bronzed and fecund nymphs under palms and laid on beaches. Laughing and virginal - oh, I wish I were Gaugin.
MR. S: You can see how the prospect might be appealing...
HARLEY: What does it entail in the way of hard work?
MR. S: Just filling in a few ledgers. Entertaining visiting traders once in a while. You'd have a villa with full staff.
HARLEY: You want me out of the way don't you?
MR. S: Things can't carry on as they have done. Your indiscretions are unappealing to me on both a practical and emotional level.
HARLEY: But this is an extreme way of dealing with me. Exile to paradise -
MR. S: Sometime in the next five years, Harley, there is likely to be a war. Probably a lengthy war of grinding attrition. I can't see you surviving that.
HARLEY: I'm perfectly willing to risk that. Sons of prominent politicians have a knack of avoiding service.
MR. S: But not mine. Of that you can be sure.
HARLEY: I've often heard that, like marriage, combat can be the making of a man.
MR. S: But not for you, Harley. I was at Mafeking. I know what happens to your type. No - Tonga really is your chance to get out of my way and save your skin.
HARLEY: What happens if I refuse?
MR. S: You currently live on £500 a year, paid by myself. I will raise that to £1000 on two conditions: That you never return back here, and I never have to see you again [Pause] and, that you change your name. If you insist on remaining Harley Sutherland, then you'd have to remain afloat without any assistance from me.
HARLEY: What do you forsee happening then?
MR. S: I have no doubt that you'd sink.
HARLEY: How long do I have to make a decision?
MR. S: About ten minutes. No go and have tea with your mother and sisters whilst I attend to my business. And Harley?
HARLEY: Yes father?
MR. S: Do try not to upset them.
HARLEY: Yes, father.
[HARLEY exits to The Drawing Room]
[MR. S. rings bell for ARTHUR's attention. He arrives in due course]
MR. S: Arthur, could you fetch Herbert up, please.
ARTHUR: Oh, yes, Sir.
[ARTHUR exits to The Nursery to fetch HERBERT. He returns with him in due course. MR. S. continues going about his business, perhaps making comments to the audience/singing]
[HERBERT enters]
HERBERT: Father, you wish to talk to me.
MR. S: Ah. Herbert. yes - take a seat.
HERBERT: Is the time appropriate? Do you not have a prior engagement with the farmers and their lady companions?
MR. S: Pardon? What lady companions? I don’t remember seeing them -
HERBERT: Well, they're waiting with the farmers now. They're certainly very... persistent...
MR. S: My family is more important.
HERBERT: But they're very restless -
MR.S: Let Arthur deal with them. Now Herbert. Down to business. Have you changed your mind about becoming a missionary since we last talked about the subject?
HERBERT: No father.
MR. S: And what steps have you taken towards this aim?
HERBERT: I start my apprenticeship in a week's time. I help out in the East End for three months whilst I learn about living in Africa, and then I set sail for Abyssinia in August.
MR. S: Well, I'd like to have a talk with you about this work if you don't mind.
HERBERT: You can't dissuade me. The Good Book says "Go forth therefore and make all nations my disciples. Baptise men in the name of the- "
MR. S: Thank you Herbert. I was actually wondering what particularly appeals to you personally about missionary work?
HERBERT: Well - the opportunity to save people's souls from the temptations of sin and the eternal damnation of Hell.
MR. S: But Herbert, what makes you feel that you are suited for this task? You're very young, and know little of sin yourself -
HERBERT: I hope that you're not trying to corrupt me, father.
MR. S: Good Lord, no! This isn't France!
HERBERT: I feel that I am - largely free of temptation, and that I am unlikely to be distracted. I can therefore concentrate on my congregations' spiritual needs.
MR. S: Don't you feel that your freedom from temptation might prevent your congregation from taking your exhortations as seriously would be good for them?
HERBERT: No! One has to take a stand against sin! these free-thinking liberal sorts - sorry father - should condemn a little more, I feel. The Bible clearly tells us what is right and wrong.
MR. S: Yes. The Bible tells us that we should shun the company of menstruating women. How do you feel about that?
HERBERT: I don't like to consider such distasteful matters -
MR. S: What will happen if you get married?
HERBERT: I'm sure that I can make myself oblivious to such female... ailments.
MR. S: Oh dear. You still have so much to learn Herbert. Why do want to travel to Abyssinia?
HERBERT: So that I can be amongst the first to introduce the teaching of Christ to those who know nothing of his love.
MR. S: So charity doesn't begin at home?
HERBERT: Well... that is sensible, but I have little in the way of seniority or income at home-
MR. S: I meant, why not join the Church of England?
HERBERT: Oh, that's a place for administrators and politickers. The Bible says "Beware, be on your guard against the leaven of the Pharisees and the Sadducees" -
MR. S: Hardly the same thing, Herbert. The Bible also says that the sins of a father shall be visited threefold upon his son. Does that worry you?
HERBERT: Well, I was rather hoping that that referred to the eldest son.
MR. S: Yes... how do you feel about Harley? How would you save his soul?
HERBERT: I'd pray for him and talk with him about the love of God.
MR. S: Have you tried this?
HERBERT: Yes -
MR. S: Did it prove effective?
HERBERT: Er... no, not yet. But the Lord will show His mercy when He thinks it fitting.
MR. S: I wish He'd get a move on.
HERBERT: Father! It is not our place to question the wisdom of the Lord!
MR. S: How very tiresome. Well, I'm afraid I've had enough of waiting for God, so I've taken matters into my own hands.
HERBERT: What are you doing?
MR. S: Well, it looks as though I shall be cutting of his allowance, and casting him aside-
HERBERT: But you can't do that! He's your child!
MR. S: Well, perhaps I'm surrendering my responsibility to a higher authority.
HERBERT: But father, if you read-
MR. S: Herbert, our theological discussion is over for the time being. The one thing that I would like you to consider is who would inherit my businesses and property in the event of your brother losing his inheritance rights.
HERBERT: But your duty lies to your eldest son.
MR. S: No, he has a duty to me. Harley shows very little interest in his responsibility, then that wealth and power should be passed on to my worthy and principled son.
HERBERT: I'm glad you think me so, but I should tell you that I don't approve of the way that you conduct business. I mean, making those poor farmers wait all afternoon/evening -
MR. S: [Furious] Those unfortunate farmers can go to Hell!
HERBERT: Father! You must mind what you say! That is not a Christian attitude!
MR. S: Forgive me [mopping his brow]. Just imagine - all my wealth and resources at your command, Think what use you could make of them.
HERBERT: I will, father.
MR. S: Go now and have tea with your mother and sisters.
HERBERT: Yes, father.
MR. S: And Herbert? Try not to upset them
HERBERT: Yes father.
[HERBERT exits to The Drawing Room]
[MR.S. rings bell again. In due time ARTHUR appears]
MR. S: Arthur, please fetch Harley back could you?
ARTHUR: Of course, Sir.
[ARTHUR exits to The Drawing Room]
[MR. S. waits working at his desk. MRS. S. storms in, furious, and HARLEY follows]
MRS. S: Husband! Why are you idling away in your study while we downstairs have to suffer the company of those fearful, vulgar farmers?
MR. S: I'm sorry, my dear. I just thought that as both of my sons were here I would attend to more important family business first.
MRS. S: Oh! As if family life wasn't dismal enough without our having to entertain malodorous labourers and their wanton women!
MR. S: Who are these wanton women? The description doesn't the farmers' wives, and I certainly didn't invite them-
MRS. S: I wouldn't put any corruption beyond those ugly men. It makes me feel quite ill to have them in my house. I insist that you remove them immediately!
MR. S: Of course, dear. If you'll just leave me alone with Harley we'll conclude our business, and attend to the farmers.
MRS. S: Will this take long?
MR. S: I shouldn't imagine so.
MRS. S: Well. Alright. But do take tea with us when they've gone. Then we can be like a normal family.
[Exit MRS. S. to The Drawing Room]
MR. S: Do you imagine that there's any such thing as a normal family, Harley?
HARLEY: You should read Tolstoy, father.
MR. S: When I've relinquished the business and retired to the Lords, there are all manner of long books that I intend to read. Are these wanton ladies who appear to have infested the house charges of yours by any chance, Harley?
HARLEY: It's a plausible scenario.
MR. S: Harley. Your mother might be a very indulgent woman, and highly selective in what she chooses to believe from the things that she hears about you, but when the evidence of your depravity is under the same roof as her, it places her maternal sweetness under intolerable strain.
HARLEY: I am what I am. She must deal with that.
MR. S: Don't be so unbearably stupid, Harley! You have a responsibility to conduct yourself in a respectable manner.
HARLEY: Perhaps I choose my standards from a different source to the one that you use.
MR. S: A remarkably lax source!
HARLEY: I'm sure that you didn't summon me here for a discussion about personal ethics.
MR. S: No. Indeed not. Have you thought about Tonga?
HARLEY: Yes.
MR. S: And will you go?
HARLEY: No.
MR. S: So what will you do?
HARLEY: I feel the door being opened into a totally new world.
MR. S: And will you agree to entering that new world with a new name?
HARLEY: No, father. I am what I am, from cradle to grave. I am what you made me.
MR. S: You are not! You are the first in a thousand generations of Sutherlands to behave with so little care and with such little consideration for your responsibilities.
HARLEY: When I was a child, you used to sit me on your knee, and show me maps of the world; ledgers of the firm's fortunes; pictures of numerous ships and factories. You told me that when I was a man, I would have all this - this infinite playground.
MR. S: I'm sure that I would have made it quite plain that it was never to be treated as a playground - it is an onerous responsibility to have thousands of men and millions of pounds at your command.
HARLEY: But it is a playground. A chessboard, where the pawns are the men who you move from one location to another, and sacrifice to make daring advances. Then you sent me to Eton - a place full of more perverse ritual than anything else I've experienced since.
MR. S: Eton teaches unruly little boys manliness.
HARLEY: Yes. Quite.
MR. S: Well your brother hasn't turned out as depraved and corrupt as you have: he's had the same background as you.
HARLEY: He hasn't had the kingdom of man promised to him, so he's contented himself with representing the Kingdom of God. And to all accounts, my brother's Eton days were more peculiar and unmanly than mine. Perhaps that sin has inspired his current saintliness.
MR. S: You were a model schoolboy.
HARLEY: And now I live the life that every model schoolboy secretly dreams of!
MR. S: Well they weren't the dreams that I had in my youth.
HARLEY: You may have satisfied mother more if they had been.
MR. S: HARLEY! I WILL NOT ENDURE THIS IMPUDENCE! What respectable girl would ever associate herself with you?
HARLEY: In my experience, respectable girls are the most prone to corruption.
MR. S: Leave. Depart. Get out of my sight. You insult your family, the church and the British Empire with your decadence. Go to hell, for all I care.
HARLEY: Not a bad suggestion.
MR. S: I will give you two hours to leave here.
HARLEY: I think I can travel a surprising distance in such a short time.
[HARLEY exits via The Stairwell to The Nursery, and storms downstairs, eventually to The Nursery. MR. S. remains in his study, extremely angry. He rings the bell for ARTHUR, and rants until he arrives]
MR. S: Most unnatural child. No true child. What evil spirit impregnated my wife I do not know.
ARTHUR: You rang, sir?
MR. S: Fetch Herbert up please, Arthur.
ARTHUR: Certainly, Sir. [Pause.] Are you feeling quite well, M'Lord?
MR. S: DON'T STAND THERE LIKE A HATSTAND, MAN! CARRY OUT MY ORDERS!
ARTHUR: Immediately, Sir.
[Exit ARTHUR to The Drawing Room]
MR. S: Confounded insurrection!
[He continues in his rant for a while, and then tries to calm himself down, and correct his appearance until ARTHUR and HERBERT arrive]
ARTHUR: Your younger son, Sir.
MR. S: My only son, Arthur.
ARTHUR: As you say, sir.
[Exit ARTHUR to The Stairwell]
HERBERT: Father, you have committed a terrible wrong.
MR. S: Herbert, I am not in the mood for your judgements. I have something of utmost importance to talk to you about.
HERBERT: But there is nothing more important than the love between a father and his son!
MR. S: Herbert. I a in control of a shipping line that runs from Alaska to New Zealand, that employs thousands of men, and that affects the lives of millions. If I were to gather together all the capital that this organisation requires, I could probably feed the whole of Surrey and Royal Berkshire for five years. It is more important to ensure the success of my business than it is to support the feeble depravities of a worthless descendent.
HERBERT: But your whole life depends on-
MR. S: SILENCE! I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO IN SUCH A MANNER!
[He tries to calm himself again]
Now. What is your response to my proposition?
HERBERT: I am afraid that I must refuse your generous offer, father.
MR. S: As I feared. Will you enlighten me on the reasons behind your refusal?
HERBERT: The most important thing for me to do is good. I can do more good in this world by saving souls than I can by making money.
MR. S: Don't be such a naive fool. You need money to be able to do good. Consider the Good Samaritan, for example. He would not have been able to help if he didn't have the funds to do so.
HERBERT: The power of prayer is more important than money.
MR. S: Don't be ridiculous. You can't eat and drink prayer.
HERBERT: Jesus fed the multitude with five loaves and two fishes. He turned water into wine!
MR. S: You may be faithful, Herbert, but you certainly aren't Jesus. Much as you'd like to be. Please, Hear thy father, and do my bidding.
HERBERT: The Lord is the father of us all, and it is He who I must follow first.
MR. S: Why not stay at home and save your brother's soul then?
HERBERT: I feel that God is calling me elsewhere.
MR. S: Yes. How convenient. I think we can all hear Him saying that to us at times, Herbert.
HERBERT: I am truly sorry to disappoint you, father.
MR. S: This proves to me that you are not capable of thinking carefully, Herbert. Perhaps your decision is just as well.
HERBERT: I hardly think that that's fair. I'm sure that I'm going to have to think carefully in Africa.
MR. S: Ha! Only to run away from cannibals. Herbert, you should stop behaving like such a sanctimonious prig, and get some unaffected pleasure from life, instead of being such a martyr.
HERBERT: You make it sound like you want me to behave like Harley, your disowned son!
MR. S: No. I'm not saying that I want you to be a hedonist. Simply to be normal.
HERBERT: I thought it was only mother who complained about our family not being normal.
MR. S: Your sisters are both agreeable and intelligent girls.
HERBERT: But Vita is always irritable, and George is unwomanly!
MR. S: Vita is no more irritable than you Herbert, and Georgina isn't exactly an Amazon, just rather politically naive. At least she is open-minded, and prepared to learn.
HERBERT: But I am prepared to learn! Being a missionary is a-
MR. S: Is a ridiculous affectation. Learn through being my apprentice.
HERBERT: No father. I don't want to do wrong in this world, and wrong is all that merchants and industrialists end up doing.
MR. S: Herbert, do not discuss what you do not know about. I have used my funds to build hospitals and schools, and create scholarships and hardship allowances.
HERBERT: You have disowned your son, father - a most unchristian act.
MR. S: Oh get out of here you pompous idiot. Go and do some miracles for your beloved farmers - I'm sure that they'll appreciate your strictures. Don't expect me to bail you out when you get malaria!
HERBERT: I shall leave before you say something that you might regret, father.
[Exit HERBERT to The Stairwell]
[MR. S. is unwell and angry.]
MR. S: I must get rid of those dreadful farmers before I do anything else.
[MR. S. exits to The Stairwell]
[A minute or so later, HERBERT re-enters with NELL]
NELL: What are you going to do with me then?
HERBERT: I'm going to look after you and make sure that you don't make any fuss until my father has disposed of his visitors. Then we can call the police, and get rid of you quietly.
NELL: What have I done wrong? What gives you the right to detain me?
HERBERT: Well, you were trying to steal our property.
NELL: Who says that?
HERBERT: There were several witnesses.
NELL: I didn't know that I even had these candlesticks!
HERBERT: Tell that to the policeman. [Pause.]
NELL: How do you think I got them?
HERBERT: You hid them in your bag.
NELL: Do you know where they came from?
HERBERT: A mantelpiece?
NELL: A bedroom mantelpiece. I bet you'd like to know what I was doing in there, wouldn't you?
HERBERT: No. Breaking and entering, I dare say.
NELL: Perhaps I was invited there.
HERBERT: I don't see why anyone would - oh...
NELL: You do now. Penny dropped, has it?
HERBERT: That's revolting!
NELL: That's not a very kind thing to say.
HERBERT: My brother?
NELL: I can see a resemblance. It'll all come out if you put me away, you know. What I was doing here...
HERBERT: Well, we must all face the truth.
NELL: That is a silly thing to say. If you let me go now, you can keep the candlesticks, and your reputation.
HERBERT: My father has disowned my brother. He doesn't care about Harley's reputation.
NELL: Do you?
HERBERT: Of course. One is bound to one's relatives from cradle to grave.
NELL: What a touching gesture of family solidarity. I haven't got any relatives.
HERBERT: I couldn't disobey my father. That would be a great wrong.
NELL: Do you think that your father really wants people to know that I was in his house?
HERBERT: You were stealing from us!
NELL: I've been in the cells dozens of times. Its easy enough to bribe a policeman-
HERBERT: No! That I will not hear! The British Police Force is the most honourable institution in the world, and I will not hear its good name sullied.
NELL: Every man has his price, boy. Every man has his instincts.
[NELL flirts with HERBERT very suggestively]
HERBERT: Could you stop behaving in that fashion, please? Unlike my brother, I prefer to keep my instincts under control!
NELL: Not much of a man, are you?
HERBERT: Even so, I'd rather that you desisted in that conduct [He pushes her away]
NELL: Oh! So you do lay fingers on women! I'll be telling that to the policeman when he arrives.
HERBERT: Oh hell!
NELL: I think you just said a naughty thing -
HERBERT: Be quiet, you harlot.
NELL: Please do not insult me. I am what I am because I've had a terrible life.
HERBERT: Well that's your fault, isn't it? You chose to live it.
NELL: I have no choice! You have a choice, though. You could send me to prison, you could ruin the chances I have to improve myself. Wouldn't those choices make you feel guilty?
HERBERT: Perhaps prison might improve you - teach you the error of your wicked ways?
NELL: [Dramatically] Perhaps prison would condemn me to end my days in sin and squalor!
HERBERT: [Distressed] Ohhhh!
NELL: Let me go. I'll cause all sorts of trouble to you if you keep me here.
HERBERT: Will you repent of your sins if I let you go?
NELL: Er - I suppose so, yes.
HERBERT: Well. In that case, let us kneel to pray.
NELL: Oh No! [Realising that she must endure this to escape] Oh Yes!
[They both kneel to say the Lord's Prayer together. HERBERT and NELL then exit, down to The Stairwell, avoiding being seen, then outside, creeping past the windows of The Nursery and The Drawing Room to freedom...]