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Copyright: 1998
[Strange chanting and clapping. A loud bang. Smoke seeps out under the door. NELL breaks out of the room. She leans against the door and pants heavily. Suddenly, she turns back round, opens the door, and pulls out an unwilling MOLLY. They are both exhausted and shaking, and in their underwear. NELL hands MOLLY her clothes. They get dressed very quickly. There is little doubt of their occupation. NELL has a big bag of tricks.]
MOLLY: That wasn't right! That wasn't right!
NELL: You'll soon learn to accept lot of things that aren't right, my girl.
MOLLY: No - what we... what we did!
NELL: What?
MOLLY: Leaving before we were supposed to.
NELL: We got paid. Half before, half after he said. Well, we already had the first payment -
MOLLY: No! No! But he wanted us to stay -
NELL: I don't think he was capable of showing us any more action.
MOLLY: But he hadn't asked us to leave.
NELL: Molly Babes - give as little of yourself away as you can for as much of him as you can take.
MOLLY: But that isn't moral!
NELL: Do you think he wants a respectable, above-board transaction? You'd give out receipts if you could.
MOLLY: But I want to make my clients happy.
NELL: Do you think they care about you?
MOLLY: Most do. [Nell shakes her head].
Some do?
NELL: No.
MOLLY: Some might.
NELL: No.
MOLLY: Well, I might meet one man some day who'll like me for who I am and my charm and ability, who'll take me away from -
NELL: You soppy tart! Take that idea out of your head now. How old are you?
MOLLY: Seventeen.
NELL: When did you start?
MOLLY: Fifteen and a half.
NELL: Too old. The younger you start, the less illusions you have. Say you get in real trouble... You're up for attempted murder, say, and you know you have an alibi. Do you think the punter would come forward to help you?
MOLLY: If he was a good man.
NELL: There are no good men. Their reputation means more to them than your life.
MOLLY: Well, I still don't think that we were right to leave. We only got half our fee, for one thing.
NELL: Close your eyes and open -
MOLLY: That's what they all say.
NELL: Close your eyes and open out your hands.
MOLLY: Oooh! [Closes her eyes. NELL places two candlesticks and a watch into them. MOLLY opens her eyes].
But these aren't ours!
NELL: They are now [Takes them back].
MOLLY: But...but...we'll give ourselves a bad reputation.
NELL: I think that we were on the Tennis Club's blacklist already, Baby Doll.
MOLLY: But we're not just criminals.
NELL: Yes we are. Ask a policeman.
MOLLY: He's not going to ask us back.
NELL: He was never going to do that. Had your heart set on him, did you?
MOLLY: He's handsome, well-off, grown-up, intelligent -
NELL: And they're always the really sick ones.
MOLLY: What a horrible day!
NELL: What a profitable day - attractive scenery, minimal expenditure of effort, an intriguing insight into pagan rituals and a brief stop-over of the antiques roadshow. If we make good our escape now, we can even visit the pawnbroker before the evening shift.
[Pause. MOLLY sits down]
[ARTHUR start up the stairs]
NELL: We really shouldn't dawdle.
MOLLY: Nell?
NELL: Yes?
MOLLY: You know the things that that man made us do?
NELL: [Tuts] Yes?
MOLLY: The things that he made us do... with the wax and the cross...did you mind it? Did you feel bad doing any of it?
NELL: Why should I? It's none of my business.
MOLLY: But it was wrong. If we show true repentance, in our hearts, then Jesus will save us from Hell-
NELL: Where on earth did you pick up all this rubbish?
MOLLY: Well... when we were doing that job for the priests-
NELL: You'll get used to it. You don't listen to the punters. You just take their money and go. You'll learn to be thankful for anything that doesn't require you to do anything to the punter's - Its easy money. [She spots ARTHUR]
Oh hell! We should have gone earlier!
MOLLY: HIDE!
NELL: Where?
MOLLY: Get up. Remember what I'm about to tell you. If in doubt, stare him out.
[She gives ARTHUR a ferocious glare]
ARTHUR: Mr. Sutherland will see his visitors downstairs.
NELL: Ooo - must run in the family! Come on, Molly.
[They exit, slowly, to The Stairwell]
[ARTHUR looks at them, aghast, then knocks on bedroom door]
HARLEY [off]: (Demonic groan)
ARTHUR: Mr Sutherland, Sir?
HARLEY [off]: Whooo isss it?
ARTHUR: Arthur, Sir. Your father wishes to see you.
[HARLEY opens the door. He is nearly naked and acting in a possesed fashion]
ARTHUR: I think that you'd better drink some of this before seeing your father, sir.
[He offers a flask. HARLEY drinks, and realises his unsuitability]
HARLEY: Oh Hell and Damnation!
[HARLEY returns behind the door and pokes head out]
When did he wish to see me?
ARTHUR: Immediately, sir. In his study.
HARLEY: He'll have to hold for a minute.
ARTHUR: Of course, Sir. Would you care for me to dress you?
HARLEY: No thank you, Arthur.
[ARTHUR waits outside the door, conversing with the audience]
HARLEY [off]: Arthur, have you seen my watch?
ARTHUR: No, Sir.
HARLEY: [Comes out, clothed] So, the great evil one has accepted my offering. I must serve her truly in the cause of wickedness.
ARTHUR: Pardon, Sir?
HARLEY: Nothing, Arthur. So, the old fool wants to see me, does he? [ARTHUR remains silent] I said, so the old fool wants to see me does he?
ARTHUR: I'm afraid I don't know to which gentleman you are referring, Sir.
HARLEY: You are a loyal old stick, aren't you, Arthur?
ARTHUR: As you say, Sir.
HARLEY: Quite. Lead the way.
[ARTHUR and HARLEY exit towards The Study]
[HARLEY enters the room. It is full of mirrors and candles. He lights some candles, and strips - to the waist at least, and ideally more. Two of the mirors are arranged so that one shows the reflection of the reflection of the largest candle. HARLEY looks at the centre of the flame - his eyes must not leave it whilst he recites Revelation 17:4-6]
HARLEY: "The woman was clothed in purple and scarlet and bedizened with gold and jewels and pearls. In her hand she held a cup full of obscenities and foulness of her fornication; and written on her forehead was a name with a secret meaning: 'Babylon the great, the mother of whores and of every obscenity on earth.' The woman, I saw, was drunk with the blood of God's people and with the blood of those who had borne testimony to Jesus. As I looked at her I was greatly astonished -"
[THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING! VERY VERY FRIGHTENING as The DEVIL manifests herself]
DEVIL: Good afternoon/evening.
HARLEY: Are you the Devil?
DEVIL: Well of course I am. Who did you think I was? Jesus?
HARLEY: You're not at all how I expected you.
DEVIL: People always say that. I'm a fallen angel, remember.
HARLEY: Have you come to take me away?
DEVIL: I think that we should talk about it first. What exactly do you expect Hell to be like?
HARLEY: Heap upon heap of agonised, diseased bodies, in excruciating agony being roasted and blistered and skinned by flames for eternity.
DEVIL: And this genuinely appeals to you -
HARLEY: Oh yes.
DEVIL: I'm afraid that I'll have to disappoint you. It's nothing like that I'm afraid. That's just what the church tells people to frighten them into heaven. The reality is much more dull.
HARLEY: What is it?
DEVIL: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Zero. You cease to be - your eternal soul and spirit will have proved transient. Not very exciting.
HARLEY: Complete unbeing - I like that idea.
DEVIL: You'd be disappointed when it happened. Not though you'd exist in any form to actually be disappointed, of course.
HARLEY: But you still exist in some form as you're the Queen of Hell?
DEVIL: That's a romantic notion put about by religious maniacs. I'm really just an administrator - a conduit to death. Like most things wickedness for its own sake is a bit of a bore to me.
HARLEY: I still want to go with you.
DEVIL: Look. You know how ghosts are always troublemakers - frightening people, smashing plates and so forth: thats because they were spirits that saw what unbeing was like and couldn't handle it. Most people are the same in the end.
HARLEY: So why did you leave Heaven then? That must have been good
DEVIL: Oh, Heaven is marvellous, if you like that sort of thing. You just float around, adoring God for eternity - only I got a bit fed-up with that. I started to want my own body back, my own free-will and so forth. God thought, probably rightly, that this meant that I thought I was better than him, so he threw me out to create my own kingdom.
HARLEY: Do you miss heaven?
DEVIL: Yes, but the pleasures of my current job are very real. I wouldn't be able to have a conversation like we're having if this was heaven. I think that you'd enjoy Purgatory most of all, Harley.
HARLEY: What's that like?
DEVIL: A sort of combination of sensations: being in a doctor's waiting room, waiting outside the headmistress's office to be caned, a very dull sermon, insomnia, trying to read a book on Physics or understand a conversation in Hungarian, missing the last train, feeling constant guilt and shame... You comprehend? All of this can go on for up to a billion years.
HARLEY: It sounds like most peoples' lives.
DEVIL: People say that cynicism is the Devil's talk, but I've always found that a bit insulting... the big advantage of purgatory is that your soul is still alive, unlike Hell.
HARLEY: So you don't want me to go to Hell?
DEVIL: Not particularly.
HARLEY: Isn't it your job to tempt me?
DEVIL: I leave all the decadence to human beings. I merely open up the doors of death. Apart from a kind of removed intellectual way, I - please don't be insulted by this - really don't care whether you go to hell or not.
HARLEY: I'm going there anyway. The real question is when...
DEVIL: Yes, it does look that way. Any ambitions of redemption?
HARLEY: That just seems like cowardice - to enjoy all the fruits of vice and then renounce them on your deathbed.
DEVIL: It doesn't really work like that.
HARLEY: You know, do you?
DEVIL: Ugh! The Marquis de Sade has a lot to answer for. I wasn't sorry to condemn him to oblivion.
HARLEY: But he's not in oblivion is he? Naughty people like me can read his books...
DEVIL: That's your perrogative as mortals. Not quite apart from his erroneous reputation as a free spirit; erroneous because a). he was locked up for 27 years and b) his freedom came at a -
HARLEY: This really is very disappointing. You sound like my sister! So you're saying that evil isn't all its cracked up to be?
DEVIL: I can see everything and vice is as hollow and dreary as anything else.
HARLEY: So what do you recommend? Knitting and Kittens?
DEVIL: Instead of going to Hell, why don’t you take a walk to Kingswood and watch the leaves rustling in the wind, and enjoy the rabbits frolicking on the lawns...
HARLEY: Oh for crying out loud! If that's the best you can do than take me, please!
DEVIL: I can't refuse you if that's what you really want.
HARLEY: Oh I do!
DEVIL: Are you sure?
HARLEY: Yes!
DEVIL: Absolutely?
HARLEY: Yes!
DEVIL: I'll give you thirty seconds in which you may change your mind -
HARLEY: As you wish.
DEVIL: Have you a watch?
HARLEY: Yes... on no, I seem to have mislaid it.
DEVIL: Oh well, whilst I wait, think of all the blameless joys of tangible existence.
[Silence]
Do you still want to go?
HARLEY: Yes.
DEVIL: Oh well. When I clap my hands, you will cease to be, in EVERY form.
[She looks at him and slowly raises her hands in the air. Draws hands together... and CLAP!
Total blackout/lots of smoke. As it clears/lights go up, both figures have disappeared.]